i'm longing for the most real thing
and it hurts so bad
it took my breath away

i ache for the moment
everything will taste better, smell stronger
and i will feel more, hear clearly, see farther

because when i arrive
the world will intensifies a thousand times
and it will only be grey and blurry compared to you

I've wondered in the past, curious about

deep calls out to deep
  in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
  have swept over me.

now i know

by day the Lord directs his love,
  at night his song is with me--
  a prayer to the God of my life

Thoughts I shared on Wednesday night.

For the Epic or Classical Hero immortality is gained through one's exploits. Through glorious victory or sacrifice, people  will remember you. You live on forever in story, song and memory only by the amount of glory you gained for yourself, by the might of your hand, by battles fought and won. I think tonight, we depart from the

epic hero because as heroes in God's epic we are called to surrender our personal quest for success and happiness. It looks like we have given up. Relinquished immortality. And in fact we have. We are not Achilles or Beowulf. This is where the paradox and mystery of God blows me away. When we stop trying to create our own epic story, it seems like we have settled for a mortal (and drudgery-filled ) life. But… continue to sacrifice your glory for the pursuit of intimacy with God; Stop trying to win yourself fame, and humble yourself to God's commands and the story changes. We can have eternal life and in the end we will see glory.  In continued humility, loving Jesus Christ, and people around you, then we are woven into a larger story. God uses us in his epic. When we empty ourselves before him, we will be filled. As we pursue the desires of God's heart rather than personal satisfaction, our desires will be fulfilled. Because they have changed, lining up with God's desires. That's paradox of the first shall become last: when we subject ourselves to the God's Epic our deepest desires will eventually be met. If we are open to our Maker remolding us. Let go of who you think you are and who you should be. Chase after God and he will first show you who you are, what you are designed to be and then, glory of glories, he will do it in you. If you let him. Remember this utter transformation, this glory and eternal life comes through surrender. No fancy treaties or white flags. Open the doors of your heart and take down the walls.

God brings things full circle. Two summers ago, in Tokoha University, Hamatsu, Japan, this is what I wrote: "I ask and trust you will give me the words to say, I won't freeze and focus on my insufficiency. You won't leave me hanging...." We danced. It was bad. Then the mic was handed to me to share. This was worse. In my own eyes I failed. Left hanging badly. "God I thought you would give me the words....I blanked. Nothing made sense. God I wanted to say something that would bless people"

Yeah I got over it. But the sense of shame and fear dissipates oh so slowly. Like the smoke  choking California.

Then Wednesday, as the college-age group was dispersing, the circle was full. I suddenly realized what God has done. Through these two years God has been healing and building up, piece by piece. All summer I've been sharing in front of people, doing tactile prayers. Its never gone 100% right. But it is has been so good.

Why?

Because I want share what I've learned. Image matters less and less. Of course part of me doesn't want to look stupid, but a bigger part of me knows better.

Even if I am put to shame, that is ok. It really doesn't matter what happens as long as Jesus is present. As long as he takes my feeblest efforts and uses them in his Story. Put me to shame, as long as you are glorified God.

I know that nothing is wasted. No time, no experience is pointless. God can and will use every tiny aspect of our lives in the romance between us. If we let him, if eyes are open to a different perspective.

The moon is full.
and so am i.

Full of friends, talking, late nights, laughing, 'would you rathers', honesty, adventure, frustration, and pick-up lines.
yes, serena has been here and I've never seen alex be so comfortable, nor the family so chatty.

a true beauty brings out the best in people

i'll follow the distracted path of my caffeinated thoughts and

gray day outside; cool for a may in california

        i like it
i don't like not having my ducks in a row        or any ducks at all

I woke up and my thoughts were already racing around trying to beat the worries. I think they are neck and neck right now.
No
No, now I remember that God is loving, in control and has always provided. Stop trying, Tori, he always gathers the ducks and arranges them just as they ought to be. Which is not always what you think they should be. After all, you only got home a few days ago and only turned in two applications yesterday.

I couldn't have stayed in Jackson, MS a day longer and the roadtrip was long enough. Now I live in my yellow room filled with pictures of the past and half-packed boxes of the somewhere-in-between.
    hmm...trust
trust for a job here    trust for a job in N Y    trust for a place to dance   trust for family   trust for perfect timing
trust is unpacking what i need for a summer and being willing to stay longer
 
God you can have my ducks